If Mother’s Day is Hard for you, Try These Things
In May, it seems we are surrounded by “Happy Mother’s Day” messages. From displays at the grocery store to posts about “best mom ever!” on social media, we are reminded of the holiday whether we want to be or not. And while we certainly hope that it can be a day of celebration and connection, we also recognize that for many people, Mother’s Day can bring with it a lot of mixed emotions.
If Mother’s Day is a difficult day for you, please know that you are not alone. Many people struggle with the holiday for lots of different reasons. For some, maybe their mother passed away, or maybe they have a strained relationship. For others, they can struggle with their own identities as mothers. Maybe they’ve lost a child or are struggling with infertility, or perhaps they are having doubts about whether or not they are a “good” parent.
If any of those reasons (or maybe more than one) resonate with you, having a gameplan for Mother’s Day can help you to feel more prepared and less overwhelmed. Below are some strategies to help cope with the holiday.
If your mother has passed away…
Holidays can amplify grief. One way to help with this is to find a way to connect with your mother’s memory. This could be going through old photos, listening to music that she liked, or rewatching a movie that reminds you of her. You can also make her favorite meal, visit someplace that you used to go to together, or do any activity she used to love.
If you are estranged from or have a difficult relationship with your mother…
It’s okay to set boundaries. Maybe instead of spending the whole day together, you can spend a few hours together. If there is a planned gathering, you can request to bring someone with you. Sometimes this person can act as a buffer of sorts, reducing the likelihood of conflict and giving you that extra support to offset any stress. If meeting in-person feels like too much, you can call her or send her a text.
You can also take the day to celebrate other maternal figures or supports in your life. Maybe this is another family member like a grandmother, aunt, or sibling. Or maybe you have a close friend or a great mentor you wish to celebrate. You can send them a card, call them, or get together in person and let them know how much they mean to you.
If you are struggling with grief over the loss of a child…
It can be hard to reconcile your own grief and while also trying to celebrate the other mothers in your life. First and foremost, it’s important to validate your feelings rather than feel guilty or try to ignore them. It’s also okay to let others know if you are struggling and to request smaller gatherings or celebrations or to make separate plans.
If you are struggling with your identity as a mother…
No parent is perfect, but sometimes when we see others getting gifts and comments with messages like “best mom ever”, it can be easy to feel like a bad parent. Rather than trying to be that “best mom ever” try thinking of yourself instead as a mom “doing her best”. Also remind yourself that social media shows a very skewed perception of parenthood. Focus on the little victories or moments in which you felt proud of yourself as a parent and perhaps try spending the day with family in a way that feels genuinely enjoyable for you instead of what you think it “should” look like.
If you are struggling with infertility…
It can feel hard to be joyous on a day that reminds you of the struggles in your fertility journey. Rather than ignoring those feelings, it is helpful to acknowledge that this day may be difficult for you and to share how you’re feeling with the supports in your life. It can also be helpful to plan some distractions for the day. This may include celebrating the mothers in your life, spending time with loved ones, or scheduling some relaxing and fun activities.
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